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| I don't know what's wrong. Maybe it's my mood mostly being so dull and depressed, but I just can't feel an urge to write or read anymore. I really want to. Actually, I want to write about more than just how my days go. I am obviously very opinionated. But, I only feel an urge to write when I'm so down. And even now, I can't even muster up energy to do that. I suppose I could just try and figure out why I'm so depressed. But, the bottom line is, I'm just lonely. It's usually that. I mean, I live with my boyfriend and his family, but I'm really lonely. I really don't think it's enough for me to be couped up in an apartment with people anymore. I need to go outside. I need to meet people. I need friends. But I swear, every time I try, I really am discouraged. Am I THAT odd? Is it REALLY too much to ask to be friends with people who are open minded? I mean, we don't have to agree with everything, but really? Racism, sexism, homophobia, intolerance towards people with disabilities. I myself struggle day after day with emotional problems. But sometimes, I really wonder if it's ME with the issues. When I look at so many people I have been around, if they ARE happy, it's because they are so self absorbed and hateful. I really want someone I can just talk about things with. But more than that, I want...no. I NEED someone to take me somewhere. I never get bored meeting people. I could sit there and watch TV with you for 5 hours and be thoroughly entertained, because I'm WITH someone who cares about me. I'm so sick and tired of people claiming to care about me, but they never even see me. I mean, the one person who I'm closest to I haven't seen in 5 years. AND I LIVED 5 MINUTES AWAY FROM HER DURING THAT WHOLE TIME. I'm so sick of people making excuses on why they can't hangout with me, and then seeing all of their other friends. And, it's not like I don't understand people can be busy. But I have literally tried and tried to see some people I used to consider myself close to, and I'd just get nothing in return. Not one phone call in 6 months sometimes. And when they do call, it's because THEY are sad and need advice. What about most nights when I have cried my eyes out because I'm just so lonely? I've tried to take initiative, but it's not working. Now, I know partly this is because I just happen to always be around not so nice people. But for as much as I've been through, I can't bring myself to lower my standards and just be there for assholes anymore. Why should I have to? But, if I don't, I feel so extremely discouraged. Because then I'm pretty much all alone. I KNOW there are people who would be wonderful friends out in this world. But my anxiety level makes it hard for me to even hold a job a lot of times, let alone meet them. Actually, even if I didn't have major anxiety, I wouldn't know where to start. A lot of people get friends from knowing people, period. I have ALWAYS had a hard time meeting people in school. Now that I'm out of school, how does one even go about this? And, even if I could meet someone, will they understand that sometimes, I really do need to just cry and hug them and talk about what's wrong with me for a while? I've just held in shit for so long, that now, when anyone listens, I keep talking for hours. Instead of that, I wish someone would just take me somewhere, hug me, and do something with me. Actually, it would probably save me from having mini-breakdowns. But...just even thinking about a time when that will happen makes me cringe. I'm 20 years old. And most of my childhood, I spent most of my days in my room. Alone. Now that I'm utterly sick of being alone, I don't even know if it's possible for me to have a normal social life. Argggg...
Yeah. Apparently, when I write, I go arg. And of course, I am a pirate. So, it makes sense. | | |
| I really miss you. As a friend. I hope I find someone like you again one day. But maybe cut out the parts where you're really messed up. (hahahaha...-_-)
Sometimes, when I think back on my life, I really ask myself "What the fuck?"
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| And I don't even have to explain why. But...I don't feel like writing much except that. Also, my sister drew this thing for me. And she put I love you on it and To: Cori From: Jenna. I kind of want to frame it XD
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| SOMEONE'S marriage isn't lookin' good.
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| And it is called gaydar. It hasn't been wrong yet. I win.
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